He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
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This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
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Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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