Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.