Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
17 People Reveal The Reasons Behind Their Foot Fetish
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can