I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
