It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
