If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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