I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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