I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
