Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
