Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Randomize
