I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
