i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
