I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
