Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
