she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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