I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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