I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Are my feet made of real feet?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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