im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
