it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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