Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
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I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
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He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...