How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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