Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins