I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
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And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
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But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves