I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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