I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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