I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
