i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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