Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
