I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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