You can't motorboat a personality
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Boobs are out for the taking
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
