I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
