i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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