Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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