i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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