Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
