If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
