bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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