My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Randomize
