what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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