I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
