I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
