Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"