I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
