You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
