I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
i think my cat just said my name.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I am naked and annoyed.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
