Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
