cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
