im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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