Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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