So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Randomize
