got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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