I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
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