I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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