He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
