Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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