I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Enjoy the penises
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
