You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
