Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
