Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
