how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
