Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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